Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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