Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just threw up on my dentist
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
