The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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