At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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