I think my fart just growled at me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
