I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
