I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
