Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just high enough for therapy.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
