I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
