you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
