Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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