i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
