im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
