Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
