Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
