the condom got lost in my hair
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
