well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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