There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
