the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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