if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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