there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
