bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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