so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
