Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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