im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
