Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
