I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
