highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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