His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
