My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
