Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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