Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
