Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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