I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
