he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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