i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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