so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
