He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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