At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
