I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
