I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
