Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
