Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
