Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
