i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
