my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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