Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
