Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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