Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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