I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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