that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize