I have demons in me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
