I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
