strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
