Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
