I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
