You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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