I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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