i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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