You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
