i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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