And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
