I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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