is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
